Fixing the NBA

This week I lived at home by myself. This is not a first-time occurrence, but it is the first time I've been home alone since I began full time work. In my scramble to complete domestic duties before leaving for work, I found my mind was not as sharp as it needed to be. One morning I forgot to shave, and worked a day with a slowly protruding chin fuzz that displayed a red tinge by days end. The next day I forgot to brush my teeth, and was so self conscious that I rushed home to correct my displeasing mouth gas. But not all was for a loss, as on Thursday morning while absent-mindedly pouring milk on my cereal, I realised it was not milk, but in fact Farmers Union Iced Coffee. Despite the generous contribution I was making to my future diabetes diagnosis, I plowed through the coffee-infused bran bowl. It was going to be a good day.

This was confirmed by a phone encounter at the clinic in the afternoon. One of our receptionists is named person x, a darling woman who is as innocent as she is soft-spoken. person x informed me that an elderly gentleman was enquiring about a product that his coach had suggested we may stock, she believed it could have been a form of back-brace, and did not recognise the product name. This is how I received a written note from the front desk saying, "Do we stock any Erectomax?". 

Yes, Erectomax is a herbal supplement for erectile dysfunction, and no, we don't have any at the moment, sorry. Poor person x now has a Google search history looking for Erectomax, and we have a story for every work-related function until the end of time.

Anyway, the reason I decided to write something today was this;

The NBA is about 40% crapper than it needs to be.

A bold statement, but after watching the best part of 2 hours of basketball today, I am uniquely positioned to make this claim. This is how to fix the NBA. 

Clip arts make presentations 43% better (no reference) 

Without any particular order, the following amendments must be made by Commissioner Silver:

1) The moment that Dwyane Wade retires, the league must scrap the conferences and seed playoff teams according to league-wide win records. I enjoy the fact that the Heat should cakewalk to the finals this season. But it is clear that the difference in quality between the top four teams in each conference is wider than Big Baby's prom night suit jacket. It's disappointing to watch the rotting carcass that is Kevin Garnett brick open lay ups while guarded by the likes of Ray Allen, and we should not have to do so in the second round of the playoffs. Meanwhile, a Clippers team featuring two future first ballot hall-of-famers (CP3, Barnes) will likely be hustled out in 6 or 7 games by the Thunder. Don't get me wrong, OKC are a great team, and the chemistry between KD, Russ and any referee during the fourth quarter is a sight to behold. But we would be better served by having elite teams on opposite sides of the bracket, with the great match ups in the later rounds, and as soon as Wade hangs up his jockstrap this must be implemented. The latest numbers project the league would be 0.5% better in this scenario.

2) The NBA must slash the number of replays and fourth quarter time outs to 1 for each team in the last 2 minutes of a game. In today's matchup between the Clips and the Thunder, I spent more time adjusting my scrotal position in my ever tightening pants than I did watching basketball. This is due to the NBAs insistence that every call is reviewed when a star player bitches about a flagrant foul or out-of-bounds scenario, which just happens to be every single play in the fourth quarter. There was one possession in which CP and Russ collided and the ball was knocked out of bounds. The refs made opposing calls regarding possession, and Chris Paul began bitching like he'd been voted off the Bachelorette, while Russ made what can only be described as a vicious rape face. This led to approximately 6 minutes of TV review, and four minutes of scrotal repositioning, completing killing the mojo of the game. It's bullcrap and everyone hates it. The league instantly becomes 0.5% better if the change is made.

3) The NBA needs a fundamental overhaul of the statistics presented on-screen during a televised game. The current wave of statistics are nice and all, but not particularly interesting. Today an ad was displayed for the NBA draft combine, and this got me thinking, what statistics do they gather at the event? Height, weight, vertical leap and so on are great but they don't tell you what every NBA fan wants to know - How big is his schlong, and what happens to it during an NBA game?

Think of it this way, would you rather see a graph with percentage of teams 4th quarter points for Westbrook and Chris Paul, or would you rather see a pop-up 'Schlongometer' when they hit a go-ahead step back three? And wouldn't this give a whole new meaning to the term 'heat check'? The fans want to know what's happening down there when the games on the line. What is the physiological response that occurs to the wang of DeAndre Jordan when he's on the line to win the game? 

As far as I can tell, if they give us this, the league is 39% better. And it's probably higher.

M -