Unwell Local Man is disappointed after Learning that getting a Job isn't as easy as the NBA Implies

In the recent past, two very old basketball players with equally balding heads have been hired for high paid, high intensity coaching jobs. Jobs for which, they have absolutely zero experience.

Derrick Fisher, although he has been alive for hundreds of years still hasn't figured out how to smile properly yet.

Local man, James Temple (pictured) who has been generally unwell in the past, has become very disappointed to learn that he cannot become a doctor. 

James has spent his 48 year life dealing with regular colds, several stomach bugs and even once a broken scapular, he has thus spent countless hours in and around medical centres, specialist offices, hospitals and waiting rooms. 

He has been around the profession of those who have studied medicine for years and known the environment that they work in. He has seen what doctors do from his seat in the waiting room or even in the consulting area, and several times got the opportunity to tell a friend something that the Doctor told him. James says he prides himself on the time he helped a friend deal with the common cold after he went and saw a doctor who told him to "stop wasting his time," with his general unwellness. 

Although he has never, not once in his entire 48 years of being, been a doctor, and he hasn't studied medicine for a second.

James said he felt like he has the same right to be a doctor that Derrick Fisher has to be an NBA Coach. Disgusted by being turned down for the job James told reporters "I don't get it, I have been doing this for years, seriously I got conjunctivitis as a 2.13 year old, I have been around the league forever, thats longer than Derrick has been casually watching what coaches do."

Now having learnt that this world is just outrageously unfair James has enrolled in an advanced business degree at university in the hope of one day having the opportunity to work as a junior service station attendants assistant. 

LeBron James, Lance Stephenson: BedroomBedlem

Things got uncomfortably frisky in the home of LeBron James this weekend. Sources confirm that at 12.47 am Saturday,  LeBron felt his wife, Savannah, whisper sweet nothings in his ear only to roll over and find Indiana Pacer guard Lance Stephenson beside him in the bed. After mass screaming and confusion, sources confirm that Stephenson and James engaged in a violent and prolonged fist fight, resulting in Stephenson laying unconscious outside the South Beach home. According to witnesses, James walked back inside shaking his head with a small gash on his hand. Darryl Holding, an apparent neighbor of James stated “well I don’t live in Cleveland, but I sure witnessed that!”.

LeBron and Lance have a history of awkward and confusing moments

LeBron and wife Savannah Brinson

The Indiana Times reports that despite the poor outcome for Stephenson, his spirits were lifted when teammate Paul George stated that he thought Stephenson “outplayed” LeBron during the fight.

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Greg Oden say's Embiid is the Most Promising Draft Prospect

Greg Oden, the man most well known for not owning Microsoft, not being able to tap dance and not playing NBA basketball has come out and said that Joel Embiid is the most promising rookie prospect for the 2014 Draft.

Embiid is a dominant big man, with an NBA ready body. In many ways he shows a lot of the same promise Greg Oden did going into the 2007 season. Although due to several recent injuries, Joel Embiid has been dubbed questionable by several analysts and NBA general managers. Injuries, especially back injuries, and especially in big men are a major concern in a fast paced league with an extreme workload.

 

Although Oden is willing to overlook these unfortunate injuries and possible lingering hindrances, and says "we should focus on his potential."

Quality Centres are the hardest thing to come by in the league today as well as being one of the most important parts of a team. Because, fact: it is one of the 5 positions listed on a coaches clip board.

 

When questioned whether Oden felt like Embiids case could be anything like his own, considering he has spent the last 7 years (sometimes, occasionally, rarely) successfully moving from bench to physio table to bench, Oden was still optimistic about his affects on the team.

"I'm a finals guy, no don't question this, I made the finals."..... "Joel (Embiid) can only dream of being like me."

 

Greg has also made it known that he would love to mentor Embiid if the chance ever came his way. Saying that he organised and developed a lot of the techniques he used for his injury rehab as well as his game conditioning. Believing that he could greatly help Joel and his future career, maybe even get him to the NBA Finals like he did.

Oden said that worst case scenario is he causes Joel Embiids knees to explode simultaneously, destroying any chance of a career, although stopping any pain in his back being at all relevant.

Fixing the NBA

This week I lived at home by myself. This is not a first-time occurrence, but it is the first time I've been home alone since I began full time work. In my scramble to complete domestic duties before leaving for work, I found my mind was not as sharp as it needed to be. One morning I forgot to shave, and worked a day with a slowly protruding chin fuzz that displayed a red tinge by days end. The next day I forgot to brush my teeth, and was so self conscious that I rushed home to correct my displeasing mouth gas. But not all was for a loss, as on Thursday morning while absent-mindedly pouring milk on my cereal, I realised it was not milk, but in fact Farmers Union Iced Coffee. Despite the generous contribution I was making to my future diabetes diagnosis, I plowed through the coffee-infused bran bowl. It was going to be a good day.

This was confirmed by a phone encounter at the clinic in the afternoon. One of our receptionists is named person x, a darling woman who is as innocent as she is soft-spoken. person x informed me that an elderly gentleman was enquiring about a product that his coach had suggested we may stock, she believed it could have been a form of back-brace, and did not recognise the product name. This is how I received a written note from the front desk saying, "Do we stock any Erectomax?". 

Yes, Erectomax is a herbal supplement for erectile dysfunction, and no, we don't have any at the moment, sorry. Poor person x now has a Google search history looking for Erectomax, and we have a story for every work-related function until the end of time.

Anyway, the reason I decided to write something today was this;

The NBA is about 40% crapper than it needs to be.

A bold statement, but after watching the best part of 2 hours of basketball today, I am uniquely positioned to make this claim. This is how to fix the NBA. 

Clip arts make presentations 43% better (no reference) 

Without any particular order, the following amendments must be made by Commissioner Silver:

1) The moment that Dwyane Wade retires, the league must scrap the conferences and seed playoff teams according to league-wide win records. I enjoy the fact that the Heat should cakewalk to the finals this season. But it is clear that the difference in quality between the top four teams in each conference is wider than Big Baby's prom night suit jacket. It's disappointing to watch the rotting carcass that is Kevin Garnett brick open lay ups while guarded by the likes of Ray Allen, and we should not have to do so in the second round of the playoffs. Meanwhile, a Clippers team featuring two future first ballot hall-of-famers (CP3, Barnes) will likely be hustled out in 6 or 7 games by the Thunder. Don't get me wrong, OKC are a great team, and the chemistry between KD, Russ and any referee during the fourth quarter is a sight to behold. But we would be better served by having elite teams on opposite sides of the bracket, with the great match ups in the later rounds, and as soon as Wade hangs up his jockstrap this must be implemented. The latest numbers project the league would be 0.5% better in this scenario.

2) The NBA must slash the number of replays and fourth quarter time outs to 1 for each team in the last 2 minutes of a game. In today's matchup between the Clips and the Thunder, I spent more time adjusting my scrotal position in my ever tightening pants than I did watching basketball. This is due to the NBAs insistence that every call is reviewed when a star player bitches about a flagrant foul or out-of-bounds scenario, which just happens to be every single play in the fourth quarter. There was one possession in which CP and Russ collided and the ball was knocked out of bounds. The refs made opposing calls regarding possession, and Chris Paul began bitching like he'd been voted off the Bachelorette, while Russ made what can only be described as a vicious rape face. This led to approximately 6 minutes of TV review, and four minutes of scrotal repositioning, completing killing the mojo of the game. It's bullcrap and everyone hates it. The league instantly becomes 0.5% better if the change is made.

3) The NBA needs a fundamental overhaul of the statistics presented on-screen during a televised game. The current wave of statistics are nice and all, but not particularly interesting. Today an ad was displayed for the NBA draft combine, and this got me thinking, what statistics do they gather at the event? Height, weight, vertical leap and so on are great but they don't tell you what every NBA fan wants to know - How big is his schlong, and what happens to it during an NBA game?

Think of it this way, would you rather see a graph with percentage of teams 4th quarter points for Westbrook and Chris Paul, or would you rather see a pop-up 'Schlongometer' when they hit a go-ahead step back three? And wouldn't this give a whole new meaning to the term 'heat check'? The fans want to know what's happening down there when the games on the line. What is the physiological response that occurs to the wang of DeAndre Jordan when he's on the line to win the game? 

As far as I can tell, if they give us this, the league is 39% better. And it's probably higher.

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