Unwell Local Man is disappointed after Learning that getting a Job isn't as easy as the NBA Implies

In the recent past, two very old basketball players with equally balding heads have been hired for high paid, high intensity coaching jobs. Jobs for which, they have absolutely zero experience.

Derrick Fisher, although he has been alive for hundreds of years still hasn't figured out how to smile properly yet.

Local man, James Temple (pictured) who has been generally unwell in the past, has become very disappointed to learn that he cannot become a doctor. 

James has spent his 48 year life dealing with regular colds, several stomach bugs and even once a broken scapular, he has thus spent countless hours in and around medical centres, specialist offices, hospitals and waiting rooms. 

He has been around the profession of those who have studied medicine for years and known the environment that they work in. He has seen what doctors do from his seat in the waiting room or even in the consulting area, and several times got the opportunity to tell a friend something that the Doctor told him. James says he prides himself on the time he helped a friend deal with the common cold after he went and saw a doctor who told him to "stop wasting his time," with his general unwellness. 

Although he has never, not once in his entire 48 years of being, been a doctor, and he hasn't studied medicine for a second.

James said he felt like he has the same right to be a doctor that Derrick Fisher has to be an NBA Coach. Disgusted by being turned down for the job James told reporters "I don't get it, I have been doing this for years, seriously I got conjunctivitis as a 2.13 year old, I have been around the league forever, thats longer than Derrick has been casually watching what coaches do."

Now having learnt that this world is just outrageously unfair James has enrolled in an advanced business degree at university in the hope of one day having the opportunity to work as a junior service station attendants assistant. 

NBA Fandom, The 9 levels.

If you’ve had a conversation with me that’s lasted any longer than 5 minutes you will have learned that I avoid Facebook at all costs. Im arrogant about it, I’m pretentious about it and Im annoying when I explain it. I hate so many things about Facebook and have a deep sadness for anyone who lets it consume more that 5 minutes of any week. By logging on you are literally subjecting yourself to the ramblings, thoughts, opinions and desperate social need of over 400 people you barely remember. When was the last time you logged out of Facebook and felt good about your previous 45 minutes? One of the main reasons I cant stand Facebook is that when Im on it, I have to read the sporting opinions of most of the people I know. Don’t get me wrong, I love sports debating, Im good at sports debating, its one of my selfish hobbies, but I hate facebook sporting opinions.

Heres a hypothetical example, based on possibly hundreds of similar real life posts, of what really grinds my gears

Simo Douchepants

KEVVVINNNN DUUURRAAANTTTT!!!! OMG I love him. Suck it LB James!!!!!!!!

112 people liked this 4.10 pm

So I see this post from some kid that I met and forgot 3 years ago, and in anger click on his profile to see that he has liked the NBA facebook fan, making him an official facebook fan of the NBA. Again, don’t get me wrong, I like that that NBA is growing in popularity more than any other sporting League and that casual fans are now able to engage with the league in a way not possible even 5 years ago. However I hate the fact that he and I are both classed as ‘NBA fans’ without anything to distinguish my level of fandom from his. There really are many many levels of NBA fandom. From the guy who knows that Michael Jordan was good, to the guy who can explain to you the intricacies of Defensive Win Shares. After thinking about this for a while I have established my 9 levels of NBA fandom, based on what I’ve observed in my time as a fan.

Before I begin I need to preface this with the fact that most people sit somewhere in-between these levels, and even go back and forth between them depending on what time of year it is.

The Guy

We start with ‘the guy’. This is the guy or girl, but usually a guy, who lives near other human beings and so has likely heard of Lebron James, but couldn’t confidently tell you which sport he plays, or which Die Hard film he may have been in. This guy knows that Michael Jordan played basketball, but can only give you what team he played for after 7 seconds of trying to remember. This guy may be interested in another sport, or not be interested in sport at all, but has enough pop culture awareness to hold a 1 minute awkward conversation with you about basketball. This guy most likely ‘liked’ the NBA Facebook page by accident, or because they were trying to impress a member of the opposite sex who just posted about how “keeeeeen they were for the basketball playoffs”. This is the base level NBA fan.

The Reasonably Sports Aware Guy

This guy is kind of your classic jack of all trades. Sure, he can tell you what franchise plays in Boston, but certainly cannot tell you which team won the 2012 NBA title. Hes just as likely to talk about rugby, or soccer, or tennis. This guy also generally has a focus on sporting teams, events, and stars that come from their country of origin. As in they will watch the Rugby World Cup, but only takenote of the current NBA champion if its mentioned on Local TV news. This guy will almost always ask the question “so is that Oneal guy still playing?”. This brings me to my next level……..

 The Shaq Oneal Guy

  

This is the guy who knows enough to know that there was an NBA player called Shaq, they might know that hes retired, but they don’t know that you never ever ever call Shaq - Shaq Oneal. Or even just Oneal. Its either Shaq, or Shaquille Oneal. Never anything else. This guys tries to impress you by name dropping star playersnames, but they always either get the name wrong, or they pronounce it completely whack. Maybe they would tell you about Patty Mill, or Wayne Wade, or Dirk Nowverwitzk, or Le-Bron James, or Kevin Duraunt (as in they literally say aunt in his last name), or Derron Williams (as in der RON). Infuriating, but at least their trying. This is the guy who still thinks that Dwayne Howard plays for Orlando.

4     The Bryant Guy

Could have at least gotten a basketball to play with

This is the guy who is kinda still at level 3, but tries to engage you in legitimate NBA discussion. When they refer to star players, they know their names and generally who they play for, but they try to sound way too cool. They oftenrefer to Kobe simply as ‘Bryant’. No self respecting NBA fan ever does this. They may something like “I still think Bryants the best player in the NBA, hes just so unbeatable”. This guy has probably learned what he knows from the recess discussion at school and from playing his copy of NBA Live 09 on his PS2. This guy has always wanted a jersey, but doesn’t have one. He plays basketball with the lads at lunch, and takes the horrific contested foul line jumper and then has 7 frustration fouls per 48 seconds. He always puts himself on the team with the best player, and then talks very loudly in the classroom about how you two guys “fully dominated”. This guy is almost always full time at Big W within 2 years of finishing school.

 The Kyrie Guy

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This guy is probably the most annoying. This guy thinks he’s in the upper echelon of NBA understanding. This guy absolutely has a Kobe jersey. This guy absolutely loves Steve Nash. This guy absolutely plays in the local league, after secretly trying out for the nearest District team and getting his mum to drive him home immediately after being placed in Div 5. This guy absolutely sucks. He is called the Kyrie guy because he still loves Kobe, but has been watching heaps of that Kyrie Irving guy lately and thinks hes gona be sick!!!!!! This guy thinks next years MVP will most likely be out of Kyrie, Steph Curry, Westbrook, or Kobe when he comes back for revenge!!!! When you ask him about LeBron he will say that hes getting too old and about Durant he will exclaim “Oh yeah I forgot about Kev Durant”. This guy cant conceive of a world where Dwyane Wade is better that Kyrie Irving. This guy will most likely argue that this year is either the Warriors or the Suns year, cos they flat out deserve a ring. This guy has ordered a Kyrie jersesy, but cant pay for it yet cos his mum recons he owes her money. Last years All Star Rookie Challenge was the best moment of this guys life, and this guy absolutely did not watch a second of last years Finals. 95% of Facebook NBA fans are this guy. This guy absolutely sucks.

  The Clyde Drexler Guy

The Clyde Drexler Guy has heard of Clyde Drexler. This separates him from the previous levels. This guy has heard of Drexler, Stockton, Malone, Dr J, Wilt, Russell, Magic, Larry etc and could probably tell you one sentence about each. This guy acts like they know NBA history, but in reality they haven’t watched any games from before 2010. This guy knows that Clyde Drexler was ‘sick’, but does not know why. This guy is not annoying, and can at least contribute to most NBA discussions about current players and teams, and generally has a fair understanding of the best players in the L. They know what they do well (good scorer, good rebounder, good dunker etc), but probably couldn’t tell you the weakness of any of these players. This guy has a favorite player and team, and will know the outcome for their teams last game. If their team in in the playoffs or Finals, they will check the scores on NBA.com or watch the game if their mates are watching it as a group. The higher end of this group will buy league pass.

 The Nicolas Batum Guy

This guy has a well developed understanding of the NBA. They know who the best players are and have a fair idea of why, they can easily tell you who the top contenders are for the title. They have league pass, and follow one or two teams relatively closely. They can name around 9 players on their teams roster. They can tell you that Lebron James is a rare type of defender, but cant tell you exactlywhy. They can tell you that the spurs have good ball movement, but cant tell you why its better other than that they have good passers. This guys knows that most NBA teams would want Nicolas Batum because hes versatile. This guy will take the day off school/work if their team is playing in a game 7. This guymight watch the draft, but wont care if he misses it. This guy has twitter, and follows accounts such as NBA, ESPN, Magic Johnson and Bill Simmons. This guy is fun to chat NBA with, but you wouldn’t go out of your way to watch a finals game with them. This is the most fun and most sensible fan to be.

The Tex Winter Guy

This guy is pretty hard core. He knows who Tex Winter is, and why that’s important. He follows one team, and can tell you 30 guys who have been on that roster over the past 10 years. (oh, and I bet you just went and searched "tex winter') He has a favorite player, and enjoys shaking his head at his faults just as much as celebrating his strengths. This guy knows the name of the offense that the Lakers tried to run last season. This guy understands PER and uses it as part of most NBA discussions. This guy follower twitter feeds such as Zach Lowe, Haralabob, Hollinger etc. This guy can tell you why comparing the boxscores of the 80s to box scores now is very difficult. This guy knows his way around basketball-reference.com or a comparable site. This guy reads about the Sloan Conference every year, but cant really explain everything that is discussed. This guy cries when his team loses in the finals, and watches hours of footage of his teams 2^nd round draft pick. This guy wishes he didn’t care as much, but is addicted to the winning feeling and the fandom culture. This guy appreciates that crap out of Tim Duncan. You don’t really want to be this guy.

The Brian Clouser Guy

I've never met this guy. I'd love to meet this guy. This guy can tell you pretty much anything about the NBA. This guy can tell you how much cap room every team has and what free agents will fit their needs in the coming off season. This guy thinks in terms of defensive rebound rate, and win shares per 48 minutes, and appreciates the value of the eye test. This guy knows who Brian Clouser is, and all those who hold similar positions around the League. This guy may support one team, but they will likely also hope for great storylines and historical achievements in the League. If your going to be this guy, you’d want to be making money from it.

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LeBron James, Lance Stephenson: BedroomBedlem

Things got uncomfortably frisky in the home of LeBron James this weekend. Sources confirm that at 12.47 am Saturday,  LeBron felt his wife, Savannah, whisper sweet nothings in his ear only to roll over and find Indiana Pacer guard Lance Stephenson beside him in the bed. After mass screaming and confusion, sources confirm that Stephenson and James engaged in a violent and prolonged fist fight, resulting in Stephenson laying unconscious outside the South Beach home. According to witnesses, James walked back inside shaking his head with a small gash on his hand. Darryl Holding, an apparent neighbor of James stated “well I don’t live in Cleveland, but I sure witnessed that!”.

LeBron and Lance have a history of awkward and confusing moments

LeBron and wife Savannah Brinson

The Indiana Times reports that despite the poor outcome for Stephenson, his spirits were lifted when teammate Paul George stated that he thought Stephenson “outplayed” LeBron during the fight.

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Fixing the NBA

This week I lived at home by myself. This is not a first-time occurrence, but it is the first time I've been home alone since I began full time work. In my scramble to complete domestic duties before leaving for work, I found my mind was not as sharp as it needed to be. One morning I forgot to shave, and worked a day with a slowly protruding chin fuzz that displayed a red tinge by days end. The next day I forgot to brush my teeth, and was so self conscious that I rushed home to correct my displeasing mouth gas. But not all was for a loss, as on Thursday morning while absent-mindedly pouring milk on my cereal, I realised it was not milk, but in fact Farmers Union Iced Coffee. Despite the generous contribution I was making to my future diabetes diagnosis, I plowed through the coffee-infused bran bowl. It was going to be a good day.

This was confirmed by a phone encounter at the clinic in the afternoon. One of our receptionists is named person x, a darling woman who is as innocent as she is soft-spoken. person x informed me that an elderly gentleman was enquiring about a product that his coach had suggested we may stock, she believed it could have been a form of back-brace, and did not recognise the product name. This is how I received a written note from the front desk saying, "Do we stock any Erectomax?". 

Yes, Erectomax is a herbal supplement for erectile dysfunction, and no, we don't have any at the moment, sorry. Poor person x now has a Google search history looking for Erectomax, and we have a story for every work-related function until the end of time.

Anyway, the reason I decided to write something today was this;

The NBA is about 40% crapper than it needs to be.

A bold statement, but after watching the best part of 2 hours of basketball today, I am uniquely positioned to make this claim. This is how to fix the NBA. 

Clip arts make presentations 43% better (no reference) 

Without any particular order, the following amendments must be made by Commissioner Silver:

1) The moment that Dwyane Wade retires, the league must scrap the conferences and seed playoff teams according to league-wide win records. I enjoy the fact that the Heat should cakewalk to the finals this season. But it is clear that the difference in quality between the top four teams in each conference is wider than Big Baby's prom night suit jacket. It's disappointing to watch the rotting carcass that is Kevin Garnett brick open lay ups while guarded by the likes of Ray Allen, and we should not have to do so in the second round of the playoffs. Meanwhile, a Clippers team featuring two future first ballot hall-of-famers (CP3, Barnes) will likely be hustled out in 6 or 7 games by the Thunder. Don't get me wrong, OKC are a great team, and the chemistry between KD, Russ and any referee during the fourth quarter is a sight to behold. But we would be better served by having elite teams on opposite sides of the bracket, with the great match ups in the later rounds, and as soon as Wade hangs up his jockstrap this must be implemented. The latest numbers project the league would be 0.5% better in this scenario.

2) The NBA must slash the number of replays and fourth quarter time outs to 1 for each team in the last 2 minutes of a game. In today's matchup between the Clips and the Thunder, I spent more time adjusting my scrotal position in my ever tightening pants than I did watching basketball. This is due to the NBAs insistence that every call is reviewed when a star player bitches about a flagrant foul or out-of-bounds scenario, which just happens to be every single play in the fourth quarter. There was one possession in which CP and Russ collided and the ball was knocked out of bounds. The refs made opposing calls regarding possession, and Chris Paul began bitching like he'd been voted off the Bachelorette, while Russ made what can only be described as a vicious rape face. This led to approximately 6 minutes of TV review, and four minutes of scrotal repositioning, completing killing the mojo of the game. It's bullcrap and everyone hates it. The league instantly becomes 0.5% better if the change is made.

3) The NBA needs a fundamental overhaul of the statistics presented on-screen during a televised game. The current wave of statistics are nice and all, but not particularly interesting. Today an ad was displayed for the NBA draft combine, and this got me thinking, what statistics do they gather at the event? Height, weight, vertical leap and so on are great but they don't tell you what every NBA fan wants to know - How big is his schlong, and what happens to it during an NBA game?

Think of it this way, would you rather see a graph with percentage of teams 4th quarter points for Westbrook and Chris Paul, or would you rather see a pop-up 'Schlongometer' when they hit a go-ahead step back three? And wouldn't this give a whole new meaning to the term 'heat check'? The fans want to know what's happening down there when the games on the line. What is the physiological response that occurs to the wang of DeAndre Jordan when he's on the line to win the game? 

As far as I can tell, if they give us this, the league is 39% better. And it's probably higher.

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