LeBron James, Lance Stephenson: BedroomBedlem

Things got uncomfortably frisky in the home of LeBron James this weekend. Sources confirm that at 12.47 am Saturday,  LeBron felt his wife, Savannah, whisper sweet nothings in his ear only to roll over and find Indiana Pacer guard Lance Stephenson beside him in the bed. After mass screaming and confusion, sources confirm that Stephenson and James engaged in a violent and prolonged fist fight, resulting in Stephenson laying unconscious outside the South Beach home. According to witnesses, James walked back inside shaking his head with a small gash on his hand. Darryl Holding, an apparent neighbor of James stated “well I don’t live in Cleveland, but I sure witnessed that!”.

LeBron and Lance have a history of awkward and confusing moments

LeBron and wife Savannah Brinson

The Indiana Times reports that despite the poor outcome for Stephenson, his spirits were lifted when teammate Paul George stated that he thought Stephenson “outplayed” LeBron during the fight.

S - 

NBA Finals, Irrational Quickfire Questions

Here we will answer some questions with the same irrationality and speed that a ICG takes his first deep three when he is subbed into the court. These are supposedly the burning questions everyone has about the league at the moment, according to ESPN.
Rules, no real planning is allowed, and answers must be able to be read within the time that it takes Ron Artest to punch someone in the face.

Finals Predictions??

S - The general media seem to be giving a decent edge to the spurs, because for some reason they feel like the heat won last year because of a lucky shot. Sure, the shot was very tough and an unlikely way to save game, but to think that’s the only reason the heat won is to sell them way short. The heat won because Lebron was comfortably the best player in the series, tony parker was a tiny bit hobbled for the last few games (his ankle is a question mark again) and wade was completely unstoppable in the mid range (the part of the floor the spurs were happy to give up). Those things could easily happen again. If the spurs win, it will be because they’ve improved, not because they should have won last year. Duncan was better last year, Parker was better last year, Manu is way better this year and so is Sugar K.

Key factors for me are Pakers ankle, Lebrons defensive energy, Wades usual stuff, Boshs confidence, and Manus ability to deal with a disciplined defence. 

I havent bet against the heat in 4 years, and Im not about to start. Id feel too dirty. If the heat are gona win it will be in 6 and so ill say heat in 6.

J - My hate for the Spurs has grown surprisingly Large since they just knocked the boys out. They are the best team. They are ridiculously deep and extremely well coached. Although despising them, I truly want them to win, for this one reason, they can then piss off. Fingers crossed.

I still have a weird feeling the Heat are going to win, and I find it so hard to pick against the Best player in the league.
I'm going to go semi with my heart tho, Spurs in 7
 

Where does LeBron sit on the all time players list if the Heat win? Dwyane?

 

S -  The LeBron and Wade thing is something ill write about after the season, but if they get another one, LeBron moves to top 5, and Wade I’m not sure, I have to look at it closer.

J - LeBron will get into top 5 at least, will have to do some research to distinguish how high, Wade I don't know, he is high though, clearly cemented himself as one of the best 2 guards ever.

As a Heat fan, what will be your reaction every time Danny Green hits a 3?

 

S - Danny green will be annoying, but along as the shots are contested I wont be too angry. He didn’t hurt the heat last year all series, just the first half.

J - Not a Heat fan, but I will be pooling all the money from my sisters piggy banks so I can put a decent ransom on his head if we have to face him again.  

 

If the spurs win, will Tim Duncan and Pop retire, thus making life better for everyone? Lose?

S - If they win they both retire, if  not they go again.

J - Please just go.

 

K-Love? 

 

S - Kevin Love is something I have no idea about, but I think the Lakers have a good chance.

J - I think the Lakers have a chance just because they are the Lakers, but it makes no sense for him. He has said he wants to win, and I'm sorry but the Lakers aren't winning any time soon.

 

Your a consultant to every NBA GM in the league, what do you tell them about Lance? How much do you pay?

S - I'd only touch Lance if I had a very mature, stable locker room with leadership but really need a SG. Theres not many teams like that. Buy many Gms are dumb.

J - I thought Larry Bird killed him after game 6?

 

Does OKC need to make changes? How?

 

S - OKC are very close, they need a better bench, you cant have Fisher playing meaningful minutes. Maybe start Adams? Durant needs to continue to improve, Russell needs to let him. They really really need to run a legitimate offence, their huge talent is in someways doing them a disservice. They can also just wait till the spurs are gone and the heat change direction, Where they are now might be good enough next year or the year after anyway.

J - They definitely need to make a few moves this offseason, an extra piece of the bench would be lovely. Steven Adams will be starting very soon. I'm not sure about Thabo, like is he good anymore? he definitely cant play offence and his D was unusable against the Spurs. Jeremy needs to develop, Offence needs to be run and Hasheem needs to get his pants sorted out (http://theirrationalconfidenceguy.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/western-conf-finals-game-3-recap.html).

Considering your overflowing bank accounts, what turned you off purchasing the Clippers?

S - The Clippers name turned me off, they should become the California African Americans.

J - I was keen but then they told me that I wouldn't be allowed to arrest Mr Sterling and use him as half time entertainment. I was going to put him in medieval style stocks in the middle of the court allowing people to throw food as they wish.
This was going to be my main promotion or the team and when that fell through it just didn't seem profitable.

How sad will you be if D-Fish retires?

S - In my mind Fisher retired in 2004 so I don’t really mind. Im not sure what he will do next. He wants to be a coach and could be a good one. I don’t think he’s as popular around the L as people think. He did an awful job of leading the players association.

J - I recon Fisher tries to out last Kobe so he goes to Germany this offseason and gets bionic legs.

BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James called for Charging foul

As LeBron James entered the airport on his way to the team jet, Ed Malloy, NBA official by day and model train hobbyist by night, called a charging foul on the 29 year old forward. It has been sourced that LeBron stepped aside to let an elderly woman pass, when the official made the call from his very advantageous angle.

It was reported that one young adult male from the Indiana airport crowd was forced to no longer be able to produce offspring when Ed bent the knee and erratically drove a punch forth with all the force he could muster. Clobbling the poor gentleman right in the plums.
After the incident Ed was questioned and told police, "thats how I do it every time I make that call."

After some time he did acknowledge the fact that a bustling airport wasn't the same as the NBA hardwood he usually operates on, and assured police he would make sure he had room next time before doing the stupidly pointless dance move he does every time he calls a charge.

The Irrational Confidence Guy : Lance Stephenson

The Irrational Confidence Guy is most certainly not the best player on the team. He hopefully isn't the second and maybe not the third. Although at any given time during the game of what we have named after the circle shaped object you throw a ball into, he becomes completely convinced that he is the best player in the league.

These type of players, quite obviously are irrational, they refuse to take into account any sort of logical cues and over rate every single one of their own attributes. 

They will back themselves in any situation, assume the offence as soon as they get on the court and rarely play defence. The last 3 seconds of the game is their ball park and they specialise at dribbling the air out of the flipping thing. 

This player rarely takes the good shots, and believes "as long as its me shooting, every attempt is a good one."

All NBA players are confident, although those who back themselves as much as these guys are known for actually being really good. Like KD, he should never take the shots that he does, those step in go ahead threes, although when he is taking them, they are a good shot.
Superstars are confident because they are actually good. Much like the Greg Oden wong picture, that wasn't irrational confidence, from what I've heard he had the weight to back it up. (Pun semi intended). So in my opinion, superstars are exempt.

Nate Robinson, Earl "JR" Smith, Jamal and Jordan Crawford, Jason Terry, Brandon Jennings, Nick "Swaggy P" Young, Patty Mills, Noris ColeThe list of players who overate their game, are to themselves "always hot," and are all likely to celebrate a miss, could go on.

Stats tell us that they also all talk like this,

There is lots to say about these guys although right now we have to talk about the one closest to our hearts, the main guy who is still contributing in the ECF. Lance "the 8th grader" Stephenson. Since the effect that the Indiana Pacers have on our league I feel it necessary to tackle this guy from both views. Firstly,

From an OKC Bias

therefore I want anyone other than Miami to come out of the East. I hate Miami, but so does everyone, although I know they are by far and away the best team in the east.
So I'm rooting for the Pacers, knowing full well they were never going to win. To me, Lance could have almost, if he hadn't kept certain qualities, worked his way out of the "irrational confidence" category. Almost.
Mostly because he has become so used by the Pacers coz there offence is so piss to help run the offence that I have almost gotten used to his antics.
Yet those few qualities i mentioned have stood out the last few games of this series.

His irrational confidence coming in the form of taunting the leagues, worlds best player, saying his "trash talk was a sign of weakness,"
Gotta respect his balls, (how often do you say that?)
Unfortunately he couldn't follow it up and instead crapped the bed in game 4.

And then there is the flop, what the heck.

"WHAAAAAHOOOOW
WHAAOOO, HE HIT ME"
He screams whilst crumbling to the ground and flailing his arms like the camera is around the next bend on a roller coaster.
then he does the classic, "Crap, this is going poorly, Abed pretend like your asleep."

J-

From a Miami Bias

Yeah its a real shame that Lance doesnt have a better head on him, its both his reason for success and his biggest flaw. Lance Stephenson should be a decent scorer, a guy who can carry the 2nd unit for stretches, and hit annoying as hell shots at the most annoying moments. He should also be a great lock down defender, who can be relied upon to give guys like Wade and Harden trouble. In many ways he does achieve these things, but its all the extra stuff which hurts his team. 
Why does he need to question the greatness of Wade and Lebron in the media? If he had any kind of brain he’d know that these are two guys who thrive of criticism. This has been his biggest mistake this post season. While Lebron doesn’t need any more motivation, his bid to be a top 3 all time guy is enough, its clear that the heat take a special joy in punishing Lance and certainly have not played any worse because of his comments. 
I don’t understand why players call out the games greats in the media and expect to get away with it. You think Lebron is going a tiny bit harder against Lance because he’s a dick? You can guarantee that Wade thinks about Durants comments every time he’s working out. You know Russell enjoys each clutch play he makes a little more because of the people who say the thunder are better without him. 
Lance also has a huge effect on the attitude of his team, partly cos he’s a dick, and partly because the team only has one leader, David West, who’s not in their top 3 players. Why can’t Lance bring his skills to the team, without having to be the dominant guy? Paul George should set the tone on that team, as its best player, but the team seams to be taking on Lances persona. While the Heat have adopted Lebrons laid back - then explode persona, the Pacers have been whining, making excuses, making delusional comments, pointing fingers, all classic ‘Born Ready’ stuff. 
Lance is the most relevant ICG, cos he’s a huge part of a title contender. I hope we see Swaggy P on a good team one day, that will be a thrill ride.

S-

All this talk is great, but I have to ensure you that although we may not like certain players at times, as a whole, we love the Irrational Confidence Guy. They are fun, completely unpredictable, and all in all make the NBA a better place.

One of the best examples of their brilliance came a few games ago. With a fantastic play from the 8th grader himself, thats what they do, they make big plays. 

Although even more interesting is the manner in which he celebrates, its like he just made a buzzer beater to win the series. 

Sorry Lance, its half time and you are down 4. Classic ICG. 

J - 

Fixing the NBA

This week I lived at home by myself. This is not a first-time occurrence, but it is the first time I've been home alone since I began full time work. In my scramble to complete domestic duties before leaving for work, I found my mind was not as sharp as it needed to be. One morning I forgot to shave, and worked a day with a slowly protruding chin fuzz that displayed a red tinge by days end. The next day I forgot to brush my teeth, and was so self conscious that I rushed home to correct my displeasing mouth gas. But not all was for a loss, as on Thursday morning while absent-mindedly pouring milk on my cereal, I realised it was not milk, but in fact Farmers Union Iced Coffee. Despite the generous contribution I was making to my future diabetes diagnosis, I plowed through the coffee-infused bran bowl. It was going to be a good day.

This was confirmed by a phone encounter at the clinic in the afternoon. One of our receptionists is named person x, a darling woman who is as innocent as she is soft-spoken. person x informed me that an elderly gentleman was enquiring about a product that his coach had suggested we may stock, she believed it could have been a form of back-brace, and did not recognise the product name. This is how I received a written note from the front desk saying, "Do we stock any Erectomax?". 

Yes, Erectomax is a herbal supplement for erectile dysfunction, and no, we don't have any at the moment, sorry. Poor person x now has a Google search history looking for Erectomax, and we have a story for every work-related function until the end of time.

Anyway, the reason I decided to write something today was this;

The NBA is about 40% crapper than it needs to be.

A bold statement, but after watching the best part of 2 hours of basketball today, I am uniquely positioned to make this claim. This is how to fix the NBA. 

Clip arts make presentations 43% better (no reference) 

Without any particular order, the following amendments must be made by Commissioner Silver:

1) The moment that Dwyane Wade retires, the league must scrap the conferences and seed playoff teams according to league-wide win records. I enjoy the fact that the Heat should cakewalk to the finals this season. But it is clear that the difference in quality between the top four teams in each conference is wider than Big Baby's prom night suit jacket. It's disappointing to watch the rotting carcass that is Kevin Garnett brick open lay ups while guarded by the likes of Ray Allen, and we should not have to do so in the second round of the playoffs. Meanwhile, a Clippers team featuring two future first ballot hall-of-famers (CP3, Barnes) will likely be hustled out in 6 or 7 games by the Thunder. Don't get me wrong, OKC are a great team, and the chemistry between KD, Russ and any referee during the fourth quarter is a sight to behold. But we would be better served by having elite teams on opposite sides of the bracket, with the great match ups in the later rounds, and as soon as Wade hangs up his jockstrap this must be implemented. The latest numbers project the league would be 0.5% better in this scenario.

2) The NBA must slash the number of replays and fourth quarter time outs to 1 for each team in the last 2 minutes of a game. In today's matchup between the Clips and the Thunder, I spent more time adjusting my scrotal position in my ever tightening pants than I did watching basketball. This is due to the NBAs insistence that every call is reviewed when a star player bitches about a flagrant foul or out-of-bounds scenario, which just happens to be every single play in the fourth quarter. There was one possession in which CP and Russ collided and the ball was knocked out of bounds. The refs made opposing calls regarding possession, and Chris Paul began bitching like he'd been voted off the Bachelorette, while Russ made what can only be described as a vicious rape face. This led to approximately 6 minutes of TV review, and four minutes of scrotal repositioning, completing killing the mojo of the game. It's bullcrap and everyone hates it. The league instantly becomes 0.5% better if the change is made.

3) The NBA needs a fundamental overhaul of the statistics presented on-screen during a televised game. The current wave of statistics are nice and all, but not particularly interesting. Today an ad was displayed for the NBA draft combine, and this got me thinking, what statistics do they gather at the event? Height, weight, vertical leap and so on are great but they don't tell you what every NBA fan wants to know - How big is his schlong, and what happens to it during an NBA game?

Think of it this way, would you rather see a graph with percentage of teams 4th quarter points for Westbrook and Chris Paul, or would you rather see a pop-up 'Schlongometer' when they hit a go-ahead step back three? And wouldn't this give a whole new meaning to the term 'heat check'? The fans want to know what's happening down there when the games on the line. What is the physiological response that occurs to the wang of DeAndre Jordan when he's on the line to win the game? 

As far as I can tell, if they give us this, the league is 39% better. And it's probably higher.

M -